The absolute chaos of the 1904 Olympic Marathon

The 1904 Olympic Marathon wasn't a race; it was a fever dream. Imagine a 24-mile dust bowl where the winner was a walking chemistry experiment, fueled by doses of rat poison and brandy just to stay upright.

The tea is wild: one runner hitched a ride in a car for 11 miles, while a Cuban postman stopped to eat rotten apples, got stomach cramps, and took a mid-race nap—yet still managed to finish fourth.

This disaster happened because organizers intentionally limited water to "test" the effects of dehydration. It is the ultimate main character energy mess where simply surviving the course was more impressive than actually winning.

Wait, rat poison? How did that not just kill him instantly?

His coaches were basically the original 'trust me bro' scientists. They thought tiny doses of strychnine—yes, the stuff used to kill pests—would act like a high-voltage battery for his nervous system to keep him moving.

Instead of a gold medal glow, the runner, Thomas Hicks, ended up hallucinating and gray-faced. He only survived because his team literally carried him across the finish line while his heart was fighting for its life. It wasn't 'performance enhancing'; it was a survival horror movie.

Wait, they actually let him keep the medal after being carried?

The officials were basically the "I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that" meme personified. Since there were almost no formal rules yet, "finishing" was a very loose concept. As long as his body crossed the line—even if his feet weren't doing the work—they counted it.

It also helped that the guy who arrived before him was a total scammer. Fred Lorz had hitched a ride in a car for 11 miles, hopped out, and crossed the finish line like a hero.

When the judges realized they’d been catfished by a car-rider, they were so desperate for a "real" winner that they ignored Hicks’s drug-induced zombie state just to end the nightmare.

What was the scammer's excuse when they found out about the car?

Lorz tried to pull the ultimate "it’s just a prank, bro" defense. When the crowd realized he’d basically Ubered half the race, he claimed he only finished for the "joke" and never intended to actually steal the win after his car broke down.

The problem was his commitment to the bit. He actually stood on the podium and was seconds away from being crowned by the President’s daughter before a spectator called him out.

He was banned, but in a wild twist, he was forgiven a year later and actually won the Boston Marathon for real, proving he had the legs, just not the ethics.

So the President's daughter was actually about to crown him?

Alice Roosevelt was the ultimate 1900s "it girl"—rebellious, stylish, and definitely not someone you’d want to prank. She was literally placing the laurel wreath on Lorz’s head and posing for the cameras when the vibe shifted from "historic moment" to "absolute cringe."

Just as the shutter snapped, someone in the crowd started screaming that they’d seen him in a car. Alice didn't get to finish the crowning, and Lorz had to bolt. It’s basically the 1904 version of getting caught faking a marathon win for the clout.